hackSKITS
by Spike 558
Summary: What was once a satire on the problems arising with writing a .hack//SIGN fic has now evolved into a whole bunch of parodies of hack//SIGN. Enjoy!
1. Difficulties of Writing a hackSIGN fic

**.Hack//SKITS:  
The difficulties in writing a .hack//SIGN fanfic**

**Introduction: **

This was my first attempt at writing a .hack//SIGN fanfic.   
I guess the first question one would ask when reading this would be: WHY? Well, I had read so many reviews of the various .hack//SIGN stories here at ff.net and they all said the same thing. Henceforth, I figured the time was ripe enough for a satire.  
All in all, this was lotsa fun to write and I quite delighted on how well this was received by those who read it (I haven't received any death threats yet, so it must be good!).

But seriously, the comments from this fic was so encouraging that I decided to expand on this idea. So, what began originally as a one shot fic has now evolved into something of a series. So, there shall more to come (watch this space) - If all my readers don't petition to have me locked up (j/k).

Oh and it should be noted that this whole entire fic carries a huge **SPOILER** stamp on it. You've been warned.

And I do not hold any ownership to. hack//SIGN. Project .hack does

* * *

*_One cold winter's afternoon, Spike, fanfic writer and alcoholic extraordinaire, sits down in front his computer. Needing liquid inspiration, he grabs a bottle of vodka and chugs it down - in order to get the creative juices pumping. With his fingers now ready to punch out another winner of a story, Spike sits back and contemplates on what to write._*

**Spike:** Hrmmm......I think I might write a......

*_The phone rings. Spike leans over and grabs the receiver_.*.

**Spike:** Hello?

**Person on the other end:** So tell me - when are you going to finish that Slayers serial?!

**Spike: **Not right now - I'm busy!

**Person at the other end:** Enough with the procrastinating already!

**Spike:** Procrastinating? Who's procrastinating? I'm not procrastinating! Who are you to say I'm procrastinating?

**Person at the other end: **That's not funny

**Spike: **I think it is *_hangs up_* Now where was I....Ah yes! I think I might write a fanfic on........ .hack//SIGN!

*_The phone rings again. Spike's brow furrows in annoyance but he answers it anyway._*

**Spike:** Hello?

**A certain friend of Spike's:** I KEEP TRYING TO TELL YOU - .HACK//SIGN IS AS BORING AS.....

**Spike: ***_Immediately hangs up_* Damn, must he do that every time I mention the damn series?! *_cracks knuckles_* Now.....In this fic of mine I think I might have....Tsukusa!

*_The doorbell rings_. _Spike curses with frustration at being interrupted again. Nevertheless, he gets to his feet and goes to answer the front door. He opens it to find a bunch of fan-girls grinning eagerly_*

**Spike:** Erm.......yes?

**Fangirl 1:** We heard you're putting Tuskusa in your fanfic!

**Fangirl 2: **So we all decided to drop by and tell you, we think you're 733t!

**Spike:** Er.....thanks......

**Fangirl 3:** Can you put Sora in as well?

**Spike:** *_uneasy_* Ermmmm......I'll think about 

*_Quickly slams the door in their face - much to surprise of the fangirls_*

**Spike:** *_Returns to his computer_* Now where was I....ah yes. I was going to write a fic about Tsukusa and how he and Subaru......

*_Immediately, a brick comes flying though the window_*

**Spike:** *_frustrated_* What now?! *_goes to the front door_* If I keep getting these interruptions I'll never start this fic - let alone finish it!

*_He opens the front door and is immediately confronted by an angry mob_*

**Spike:** Ut-oh

**Angry Mob:** *_all speaking in unison_* YOU CAN'T WRITE A TSUKUSA + SUBARU FIC!!!! TSUKUSA IS A GIRL!!!!!!

**Spike:** Only his dub voice....

**Angry Mob: **YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN!!!!!

**Spike:** Yeah and?

**Angry Mob:** *_getting increasingly mad_* WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?!?!?!? 

**Spike: **Is the issue of writing a T+S fic really that important to you?

**Angry Mob:** YES!!!!!

**Spike:** Okay....well how about writing a Tsukusa + Mimiru fic?

**Not quite as angry as before Mob: **Well.....that wouldn't be too bad....

**Spike: **Ha! Gotcha there! In the real world, both Mimiru and Tsukusa are girls!!!!!

**Even more angry than before Mob: ***_furious that Spike managed to pull a quick one over them_*** **GET HIM!!!!!

*_Suddenly, Spike finds himself being swamped by the furious crowd. Within seconds, everything goes black_*

*_Later, Spike regains consciousness_*

**Spike:** Oh.....what the hell was that.....? 

*_It is there and then that he realises that he is in a small but unfamiliar room. There is a window._*

**Spike: ***_heads over to the window and looks out_* Where am I....

*_He looks out and suddenly, in a burst of revelation, he realises where he is: In a situation that could only come from the final scene of_ The Wickerman, _he is trapped in a giant man-shaped structure made out of straw. And all around, the angry mob are holding flaming torches and grinning sadistically_*

**Spike:** Oh.....crap......

**The End**


	2. Alternate Endings

**.hack//SKITS:  
Alternate Endings for .hack//SIGN**

**Introduction**

Hot on the heels of my last .hack//SIGN fic (_The Difficulties of Writing a .hack//SIGN fic_) comes this little gem. I must admit I was quite delighted by the reaction my last fic provoked - Even so when I was encouraged to write some more. Now, I originally planned TDWhsF as a one-off but this encouragement was good enough for me to add more to this. So enjoy!

BTW, Project .Hack owns .hack//SIGN. Not me.   
Also, watch out for spoilers......

* * *

**Romantic Ending:**

**Tsukusa: **Subaru....I think I should tell you this....This may be quite hard on you but......In the real world.....I'm actually a girl.

**Subaru:** *_stunned_* I see..... *_shrugs_* But why should that be a problem?

**Tsukusa: **Huh?

**Subaru:** I don't know why you're worried about this. 

**Tsukusa: **What do you mean?

**Subaru: **Well, in the real world, I'm actually a GUY!!!!

**Fanboys:** EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!! THAT IS JUST SO PLAIN WRONG!!!!!

**THE END**

* * *

**Postal Ending**

**Tsukusa:** Oh to hell with it! I'm sick and tired of sprouting so many lines of dialogue! I think it's high time that we all do what REALLY happens in a MMORPG!

**Mimiru, Bear, Sora, BT, Crim, Ginkan: ***_shrugs_* Eh....why not

*_They all go on a rampage that makes the violence in _Ninja Scroll _ seem feeble by comparison_*

**THE END**

* * *

**Anti-Climatic Ending:**

**Tsukusa: **At long last, the time of awakening draws near! Soon I will be able to log out!

**Aura:** *_wakes up, yawns, stretches and goes back to sleep. Tsukusa is still stuck in The World_*

**Tsukusa:.**......and then again maybe not

**THE END**

* * *

**Ironic Ending:**

**Tsukusa: **At long last, the time of awakening draws near! Soon I will be able to log out!

**Aura:** *_walks past: sleep-walking_*

**Tsukusa: **NO! That's not FAIR!!!!

**THE END**

* * *

**Plagiarized Ending:**

**Aura:** What is your name?

**Tsukusa:** Tsukusa!

**Aura:** What is your quest?

**Tsukusa:** To log out of The World!

**Aura: **What is your favourite colour?

**Tsukusa:** Blue!

**THE END**

* * *

**Crossover Ending:**

**Bear: **Tsukusa! Good news! I've finally found a way for you to log out!

**Tsukusa:** Really?

**Bear: **Yeah, I contacted a friend of mine who says she may find a solution

**Tsukusa: **Oh? Who?

**Lain Iwakura: **Hi there! 

**THE END**

* * *

**Eva Ending:**

**Tsukusa: **Hold on, I've just realised something....I don't have to be so hung on the fact that I like The World because there is nothing for me in the real world ....I...I...could....OH MY GOD! I could enjoy the real world and live for the future! I'm going to forget the The World and really START LIVING!!!!!

*_Everyone walks in clapping*_

**Subaru: **Congratulations!

**Mimiru: **Congratulations!

**Bear: **Congratulations!

**BT: **Congratulations!

**Sora: **Congratulations!

**Crim:** Congratulations!

**Ginkan: **Congratulations!

**Aura:** Congratulations!

**Maha:** Meow!

**A20: **Congratulations!

**Harold Hyuek:** Congratulations!

**Helba: **Congratulations!

**Balmung:** Congratulations!

**Tsukusa: **Yay me!

**THE END**


	3. dot hack CLICHE

**Hack//SKITS:  
hack//CLICHÉ**

**Introduction: **

I'm back! Yes, I've decided to write more skits poking fun at the excellent series .hack//SIGN and the fics that reside here at ff.net

So after reading so many fics here at this part of cyberspace, I noticed that there are a lot of them relying on the same formula: There are so many fics that replicate that which has been tried and tested. Therefore, I decided that this, in the terms of satire, was a gold mine of potential.

And may I add that I do not wish to tear one's fic to ribbons - That's the last thing on my mind. To be honest that, for a relatively new series, so many people are contributing to .hack fanfiction with enthusiasm. And believe you me, that is a good thing. ;) I just hope that all who read this see the funny side of this and, like the other instalments, give it a welcome reception (and hopefully don't send me any death threats).  
And if the following seems badly written, please keep in mind that it is intentional.

And like the previous instalments, this fic contains a huge ** SPOILER** stamp on it. 

Finally, as always, I do not own .hack//SIGN. Project .hack does.

* * *

*_One day, in the World....*_

*_Subaru is standing in the middle of a field. She is twiddling her thumbs and looking rather concerned. She looks as if she has been waiting there for a considerable amount of time. Suddenly Tsukusa Gates in_*

**Tsukusa:** Oh hello.

**Subaru: **Ah there you are. I've been waiting for you

**Tsukusa: **Really? For how long?

**Subaru:** For a few hours

**Tsukusa: **That long? 

**Subaru:** Yeah, well I knew you _were_ going to show up sooner or later....

*_Just then, Mimiru Gates in_*

**Mimiru: **Hey, Tsukusa! I'm so glad I caught up with you! 

**Tsukusa:** Oh! Hi there, Mimiru

**Subaru:** Hello Mimiru

**Mimiru:** *_suddenly noticing Subaru_* .....Hi. *_quickly ignores her and turns back to Tsukusa_* Anyway, I've found this really cool place that we should go check out!

**Tsukusa:** Really?

**Mimiru:** Yeah! And once there I will try to work my romantic charms on you to try to get you in the sack! - If you don't mind of course....

**Tsukusa and Subaru: **HUH?!!!?!?!!?

**Mimiru:** *_smiling devilishly_* Come on! I know you want me!

**Subaru:** But you can't do that!

**Mimiru:** Yes I can Subaru! I have the support of A LOT of fanfic authors who think I'm cooler than you are!

**Tsukusa: ***_muttering to himself_* Perhaps this isn't the best time but should I tell them......?

*_Suddenly a teenage girl, dressed like a Wavemaster Gates in_*

**Wavemaster:** No way! You two get your hands off him! He's mine!

**Subaru: **Who are you?

**Wavemaster:** I'm an original creation from a fanfic author! And like Tsukusa, I can't log out as well! So that kinda makes us sole-mates! 

**Mimiru: **Oh God.....

**Wavemaster: **So, you ladies can leave us now: Tsukusa and myself are both going to have an adventure together 

**Tsukusa:** Do I get a say in this matter?

**Wavemaster: **Not really. 

*_But before any further argument is issued, An Annoying Fangirl Gates in_*

**Annoying Fangirl:** LEAVE HIM! HE'S MINE!

**Mimiru and Wavemaster: **WHAT THE HELL?!?!

**Subaru:** Damn those hackers.....no matter how many firewalls are put up, they always manage to evade them....

**Annoying Fangirl: **Precisely! I am here because I want to fulfil my dream of getting Tsukusa in the sack!

**Tsukusa: ***_now gone swirly eyes_*

**Mimiru: **Who says that's gonna happen?

**Annoying Fangirl:** And you think you can stop us?

**Mimiru: **Watch your mouth! I can easily stop you, you know!

**Wavemaster:** *_unimpressed_* Really?

**Mimiru:** Yeah! I'm an original character in this show! You're just a fanfic creation!

**Wavemaster:** I'm not scared of you! And why should I? I have a warrior level of 57585494!

**Mimriu: **Yeah well, like I said: You're a fanfic creation!

**Tsukusa: **You know, now would really be a good time to Gate out of here

**Annoying Fangirl:** Too late! I've put up a barrier! You can't escape!

**Tsukusa: **Dammit, not again!

*_All of a sudden, BT Gates in_*

**BT:** I hate to tell you this but Tsukusa isn't who he says he is

**Subaru: **Really?

**Tsukusa:** Ut-oh. NO BT! DON'T!

**BT: **Hey, I'm trying to save this situation. 

**Annoying Fangirl: **But Tsukusa doesn't need saving!

**BT:** Tsukusa, I'm doing you a favour! One day you'll thank me for it

**Subaru:** Thank you for what?

**BT: **You see, in the real world he is actually a she!

*_revelation!_*

**Annoying Fangirl:** HA! *_pointing an accusing finger at Subaru_* You're a girl as well! That means you and Tsukusa can never get hitched in the real world!

**Subaru: ***_accusing glare_* What are you talking about?

**Voice: **Oh, you ladies can all step aside. There is only one who will truly wind up in the sack with Tsukusa!

**Mimiru: **YOU?!?!?

_*Sora enters_.*

**Sora:** Yes! Me!

**Wavemaster: **Over my dead body you will!

*_Mimiru, Subaru, BT and Tsukusa sweatdrop_*

**Sora:** Very well then! *_Begins fighting the Wavemaster_*

**Annoying Fangirl:** WOW! This is great! Now Sora is here, I can now draw him and Tsukusa into a Yaoi doujinshi! YIPPEEEE!!!!!

**BT: **You're disturbing, you realise that?

**Tsukusa: **Ah, forget this. I'm getting out of here. *_Gates out_*

**Subaru: **Oh no! He's gone!

*_Everyone falls silent. Even Sora and the Wavemaster stop fighting_*

**BT:** Well there you go. You all fought over him so now you're all left with nothing. Satisfied?

**Annoying Fangirl:** This all your fault!!!

**Subaru: **Why are you blaming ME of all people?!

**Wavemaster: **Simply put: Because we don't like you!

**Mimiru, BT and Subaru:** *_groan_...*

* * *

*_Later..._* 

**Tsukusa:** *_Gates into another part of The World. Bear is waiting for him_*

**Bear: **Oh hello there. I'm getting a party together to go hunting for the Key of Twilight. You want to come?

**Tsukusa: **Oh right then.

**Mimiru:** *_Gates in_* Oooh! Can I came too?

**BT: ***_Gating in as well_* I want to join you too

**Crim:** *_Gating in_* Same here!

**Subaru:** *_Gating with Ginkan_* We want to join you too

**Ginkan: **Well...I don't want to join this party...I just want to kill HIM! *_draws sword and directs at Tsukusa_*

*_Suddenly, the Wavemaster and the Annoying Fangirl gate in_*

**Wavemaster and Annoying Fangirl:** We want to come too!

**Subaru:** Silver Knight? I order you to spare Tsukusa

**Ginkan: **But my lady....

**Subaru:** Get rid of them instead. 

**Wavemaster and Annoying Fangirl:** WHAT?!?!?

**Ginkan:** *_grinning sadistically_* With pleasure!

*_Rather violent character deaths ensue_*

* * *

*_Later, at Carmina Gadelica_, _Bear, Crim, BT, Mimiru, Subaru, Tsukusa and Sora Gate in._*

**Mimiru: **Hey, what are you doing here? You weren't in the previous scene

**Sora: **I'm only here because I believe that now is a perfect time to confess my love for Tsukusa!

**Tsukusa: **Really?! I love you too!

**Subaru: **WHAT?!??!!?

**Bear: **Can we please get a move on here? We've got an artefact we need to find.

**The author of this fic:** *_Gates in_* Sorry! I've already found it!

**BT: **What? How can you do that?

**The author of this fic:** Hey, I'm the author - like the name implies.

**Mimiru: **Great. Well, I guess there's no point in us being here then. 

**Crim: **No?! What about that?!

*_A huge, ugly armoured thing comes thundering up - You know, like the one that appeared in that....episode......_*

**Bear:** Ut-Oh, we've got trouble here!

**Sora: ***_looks up from ramming his tongue down Tsukusa's throat_* Huh?

**Crim: **Come on, lets take this thing out!

*_Mimiru, Bear and Crim charge but each get flattened. BT and Sora also get creamed._*

**Tsukusa:** This isn't looking good

**Subaru: **So what do we do now?

**The author of this fic:** Step aside - I can handle this! *_knocks the armoured thing out with minimal effort_*

**Crim: **Well done! You champion!

**The author of this fic:** *_modest_* Oh...it was nothing. Really

**Bear and Mimiru:** *_all completely out of character_* Oh you are a true hero! What could we have done without you?!

**BT: **Okay, so now what we do?

**The author of this fic:** Well, I suppose I could create a .hack//SIGN AU where Tsukusa is actually a GUY and he meets Subaru at school....

**Tsukusa: **Sounds good to me!

**The author of this fic:** Very well then....

*_Subaru and Tsukusa disappear - only to reappear in a school yard wearing normal clothes and sitting next to each other_*

**Tsukusa:** Hey, do you know that I love you?

**Subaru:** *_ecstatic_* Really? I love you too!

*_Massive glomping session follows_*

**Subaru: ***_mutters_* About time I get a lucky break in this stupid fic......

**The End**


	4. Paranoia

.**hack//SKITS  
Paranoia**

**Introduction:**

Seeing as my last skits went over so well, I now present you yet another fic poking fun at .hack//SIGN, it's fanfiction and the general fan attitude towards various issues dealing with the series itself (I really can't tell you how much fun these things are to write):

* * *

It all started one summer's morning....

Lenny was a fanfic author. One which specialised in anime fanfiction. With a dishevelled appearance, obvious signs of lacking sleep and a badly needed (but never heeded) requirement to shave, he sat down in front of his computer and switched it on. Seconds later, the monitor showed the usual signs of the startup sequence.   
Lenny paused and leant back in his chair. Things weren't going well for him. He had been struck down with a nasty case of writers block - The bane of all writers everywhere. Ironically, this came after spending considerable months working hard on the most epic of serials. So much for early success - Now his creative juices are as barren as the Sahara desert in the Summer.

But now, this was all going to change. He had a great idea for a fic and he couldn't wait to get it written. He had a fiery eagerness for this latest project and the determination to see it through to completion. He had just seen another great anime and was inspired to create this. He would succeed or die trying......  
Calling up his version of Word, he cracked his knuckles and readied his fingers for the immense task of typing. 

But he couldn't shake the feeling that he was being watched.....

----------------

Had Lenny looked out the window, he would've noticed a conspicuous black van parked outside his house. The van was not only suspicious by it's colour and size but it had tinted windows, so no one could inside, and a satellite dish on it's roof.

Inside the van, everything was in the grip of a precision operation. Several muscular troopers sat on benches situated on both walls of the van. The troopers were decked out in sophisticated armour and each carried a rifle. Each trooper eyed the others. Perspiration showed on their facial expression. Several fingers were twitching on the trigger of the rifles. All knew what they were here for. All they needed was the command for action.....

But the command would only come from their sergeant. He sat with his men whilst holding a mouthpiece.

"Has anything happened yet?"

"We're staring to see some action!" Came the reply. Immediately, all the troopers looked up. Each one could feel their muscles tighten and a sense of anticipation running through them. This could be....

----------------

Lenny's brow furrowed with both concentration and unease. He was off to a good start with his fic but something was wrong.

Something just didn't feel right.....

Beads of sweat broke out on his scalp and began running down the sides of his face. He had this unmistakable feeling that he was being watched....

He shook his head. What the hell was he thinking? He was just being silly. No one would do something that to him, right?

Regardless, his fingers resumed typing:

T...

S....

U......

But if Lenny wasn't engrossed in his writing, he would've noticed an ominous spider crawling on the ceiling above him. 

----------------

Immediately, the sergeant's mouthpiece crackled with action.

"I have a visual on the subject!" the voice from the other end said. "I can see what he's doing?"

"Yes?" the sergeant demanded.

"It all seems relatively normal...."

The troopers exchanged glances. The tension was unbearable. They knew they had a mission to accomplish but from the looks of it, this mission may not be a false alarm....

----------------

Lenny paused and picked up a nearby pen from up off his desk. He leant back from the keyboard and tapped the pen on his lower lip. This story was shaping up brilliantly. It was good, it was practically writing itself. 

But nothing could shake the unease that dogged Lenny's mind.

He frowned lifted his hand to nurse the side of his head. Get a hold of yourself! What is wrong with you?! Such thing doesn't normally happen! Why are you so concerned with such nonsense?!

Sighing, he resumed typing....

S......

------------------

"Sir!" shouted the voice from the sergeant's mouthpiece. "It's happened!"

"Right!" the sergeant boomed. "Code Red!"

He then turned to face the troopers under his charge. "Men? We're going in!"

There was no telling them twice: In that moment, the tension fell away as it received what had been waiting for. Immediately, the troopers threw open the rear doors of the van and charged out, rifles at the ready. Falling into formation and looking ready for action, the troopers advanced onto the house.

"Go, go go!"

---------------

Lenny leant back and relaxed the muscles in his fingers. It had been hard work but, ultimately it had been worth it. Despite the pressures that had been dogging him, he had still managed to hammer out a winner of a story. Feeling triumphant, he allowed himself a smile of satisfaction....

Suddenly, the door top the room was flung open with incredible force! Lenny looked over his shoulder and quickly found himself being charged by a group of burly, heavily armoured men, each holding a rile and looking ready to fire. Needless to say, the author got the shock of his life.

"Get down on the ground!" bellowed one of the men.

Not waiting for a response, the man pulled Lenny out of the chair by his shirt. Much to his astonishment, Lenny was thrown onto the floor. Immediately after, the armoured men circled him, with their rifles raised high....

...and then, using the butts of their rifles, they proceeded to club Lenny.

Lenny could feel each blow smash it's way onto his form. They came one after the other, thus leaving no breathing space in between. It was a constant rain of heavy thudding, thus creating incredible damage onto his physique. 

Eventually, the thudding stopped. Then, the leading man activated his communicative mouthpiece:

"Sir!" he said. "The target has been met and dealt with."

"Good work men!" came the reply. "Get outta there and return to base!"

"Roger!"

And with that, the troopers evacuated the room, leaving the battered author on the floor in a pool of blood.

Lenny groaned as pain cruised through his body. The Tsukusa+Subaru Coupling Police had got him again....

**The End**


	5. I have Always Loved You

.**hack//SKITS  
I've Always Loved you**

**Introduction:**

Once again, here I go poking fun at .hack//SIGN and the general attitude fans have towards it.   
And to everyone who's posted reviews saying they liked this and the point(s) I'm trying to get across, you each have my sincerest thanks. Rest assured, that I'll keep on adding more to this - provided I can think of something funny. Who knows? I may attack the anti Subaru-crowd next....XD

And once again, I don't own .hack//SIGN or it's characters. Project .hack does. 

* * *

Tsukusa sighed. Today was just another day locked within the cyberspace prison that was The World. There was no telling how long he had been confined within this artificial universe - ever since that "incident" he had lost track of time. He could've been on there for months for all he knew.

But even though he had spent all this time here in The World, he never really achieved anything close to companionship. Sure there were people like Bear who seemed eager to help him, but Tsukusa refused to have anything to do with them. As far as he was concerned, being in a position as he was in right now, meant that certain people may want to a hold of him and manipulate him to their will.  
It seemed everyone wanted something from him - thus he avoided anyone at any cost. However, this left him unable to grasp anything close to true companionship. 

But there was her...

The Wavemaster blinked at the thought of her. Yes, she seemed eager to help, yes she was receptive, and yes she didn't see his confinement as a potential tool to utilise within The World. But the problem was, they had a clash of differences. She had a unique personality that seemed to create immense conflict with his introverted ways. The conflict arose in the fact that she was trying to break down his emotional defences - Defences that he erected to protect himself from everyone else within The World.

Tsukusa' brow furrowed. Why should she care? Why couldn't she get the picture that he didn't want anything to do with anyone? Why was she so persistent in trying to get to know him? 

But then again....maybe her persistence was genuine - Maybe the effort that she was going to was really a outstretched hand of friendship....

And even now, Tsukusa could see that ever since they met, he had sensed changes within his own behaviour. He seemed more and more open towards her - and only her. Her would give her the occasional smile in her direction, he would tell her things that no one else would, he would spend so much time within her exclusive company and enjoy every minute of it. And it was her mere presence that made his confinement not as bad as he thought. 

But what bothered him was that she went to all this effort but she never knew how much he appreciated it.......

Tsukusa blinked again. Why hasn't her told her yet? Why have they been seeing each other for so long, without him telling her what a difference her presence had made? For all he knew, she could upset that she was living without confirmation that her efforts were working wonders.....

The Wavemaster stood up, his mind made up. He will go find her and tell her exactly how he feels. Then, without a further ado, he Gated out, determined to turn the World upside down if it meant finding her.

He didn't have far to search. He Gated into Mac Anu only to find her standing on a bridge, over looking one of the many canals that traversed through the city.

The Wavemaster's heart skipped a beat. Yes. Yes! She was here! He will go up to her and tell her exactly how he feels. Right here, right now.

He quickly hurried onto the bridge and towards the love of his life. Just then, she raised her head and smiled at him.

"Hey there!" she grinned. "How's it going?"

"Great!" Tsukusa smiled. "In fact, I've been after you - You see, there's something I want to talk to you about."

"Oh? Really?"

The Wavemaster took her hand into his.

"A20" he said. "I want you to know that I love you!"

The young player blinked her surprise.

"Really?" she beamed. "I love you too!"

And with that, A204 threw her arms around the Wavemaster's neck. Tsukusa blinked before smiling and putting his arms around her - thus closing the embrace.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to the happy couple, BT stood several feet away, bearing witness to the scene that unfolded before her. She sighed: Looks like those blasted fanfic authors had struck again....


	6. Invasion

.**hack//SKITS  
Invasion**

**Introduction:**

Once again, here I go poking fun at .hack//SIGN and the general attitude fans have towards it.   
With this chapter I wanted to really make fun of the anti-Subaru crowd. Well at least the WAS the plan at first but within time, I started thinking - If the fans of .hack//SIGN actually managed to gain access to The World, what would they do? Who would they talk to? How would they interact with the characters from the series? 

Incidentally, I would like to point out that these things are getting increasingly harder to write. So I hope you all acknowledge my disintegrating sanity and post good reviews for this. In fact, the knowledge that this actually offends certain .hack//SIGNfansis better still. :)  
And once again, I don't own .hack//SIGN or it's characters. Project .hack does. 

* * *

*_Somewhere in Dun Loireag.....BT is sitting on a bench (situated in one of the higher points of the region), looking contemplative. Bear Gates in and sits down beside her_*

**BT: **Oh hello

**Bear:** Hi there. 

**BT: **So what are you going to do today? 

**Bear: **Well I can't do a lot right now. This place is been difficult to move around since the invasion.

**BT: **Ah yes....

*_They both look down on the scenery below and see a whole horde of people standing around chatting excitedly. There is at least someone for every square centimetre and absolutely no room to move._*

**BT:** So, how are the other members of the principle .hack//SIGN cast taking this invasion?

**Bear: **To be honest, I think they each have their hands full dealing with these fans: I have not seen a head or tail of them ever since Why, I haven't even seen Mimiru in weeks!

**BT: **Let me guess: She's being chased by fanboys who like her outfit?

**Bear: **Most likely yes.....

*_Just then, a fangirl Gates in and rocks up to Bear_*

**Fangirl 357: **Hey, has anyone told you, you look like William Wallac.....

**Bear: ***_cuts in with an irate voice_* NO, for the LAST time, I did NOT play the LEAD role in that FILM _Braveheart_!

**Fangirl 357: **Oh *_Gates out_*

**Bear: **Boy, have I heard that joke a lot *_notices BT chuckling to herself_* Oh shut up!

*_Just then, a fanboy gates in and rocks up to BT_*

**Fanboy 65:** Hello there BT. I glad I'm met you because.....

**BT: ***_cuts in with an irate voice_* NO, you may not have my MEMBER ADDRESS, nor my E-MAIL, nor the phone number of my place of work, nor will I JOIN your party and nor can we arrange a MEETING in the REAL WORLD!!!!

**Fanboy 65: **HUH?! No, it's not like that at all!

**BT: **Then what do you want?! *_Gets to her feet_* Don't tell me you're yet another hentai fan-artist who wants me to pose for a doujinshi?!

**Fanboy 65:** *_astonished_* B-B-B-B-B-B-But!!!!

**BT:** *_smacks him over the head with her staff. The Fanboy goes flying only to come crashing down several feet away. BT goes after him_* 

**Fanboy 65:** *_although dazed and battered, he looks up to see a rather angry BT standing over him._* No! Please! You don't understand!

**BT: ***_quite annoyed_* Understand what?! I have you know that I've had my fair share of dealing with creeps like you!

**Fanboy 65: ***_pulls out a box set of .hack//SIGN DVDs_* No! Please listen to me! I just want your autograph!

**BT:** *_calms down_* Oh! Oh - Well, all right then. *_pulls out a pen and signs the fanboy's box set of .hack//SIGN DVD's before returning to the bench_* 

**Bear:** So did you sign his box?

**BT:** Yes.

**Bear:** What?! With just the two letters?!

**BT:** Exactly

**Bear:** That's a bit cold.....

**BT:** Oh I don't think so - besides, it's nice to know I have fans

**This author: **You got that right!

* * *

*_Meanwhile.......In the middle of the Wasteland.....Mimiru is being pursued by a bunch of drooling fanboys_*

**Mimiru:** NO! How many times do I have to tell you people?! I don't want your hands all over me!!!!!!!

**Fanboys:** COME BAAAAAAAAAAAACKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Mimiru: **Dammit!! I should Gate out of here....

**Fanboys: **But we've put a lock on your Gate abilities!

**Mimiru: **WHHAAATTT?!?!?!

**Fanboys: **We think of everything!!!!

**Mimiru:** Oh hell - I should really get rid of these guys......*_runs around a corner and quickly ducks behind a giant mushroom_.* 

**Fanboys: ***_rush past - oblivious to the fact that they are no longer pursuing the Heavy Blademaster_*

**Mimiru:** Ha! Suckers! I'll split as soon as they've gone!

*_Ten minutes later_*

**Mimiru:** *_still hiding behind the mushroom as the fanboys are STILL rushing past - only now she looks rather annoyed_.* Geez, I never knew I had THIS many fans.....

*_Five more minutes later._..*

**Mimiru:** Come on! I never knew that horde pursuing me was this HUGE!!! 

*_Suddenly, there is a break - The horde has finally passed through!_*

**Mimiru: **All right! About time! *_grins and jumps out from her hiding place ....only to find herself immediately facing a blade directed at her face_*

**Sora:** Hi there!

**Mimiru: **Oh.......crap.....

**Sora: **Oh my - you look well worn. Been eluding those fanboys, eh?

**Mimiru: **Yeah, I've been chased ever since this invasion began!

**Sora:** Really? *_laughs and lowers his blade_* I'm enjoying it all! *_jerks his thumb behind him where Mimiru sees a trail of dead fangirls behind the PK_*

**Mimiru:** Wha!? You killed all those?!

**Sora: **Yes - in fact, there should be another coming along soon right about...................................................now

*_Sure enough_*

**Fangirl 589:** *_gates in and immediately latches onto Sora_* Hi there, Sora! I'm an avid_ .hack//SIGN_ fan and I want you to know that you're my favourite character! So I hope you don't mind if I hang around you for the duration of my time spent here at The World!

**Sora: **No, I don't mind at all. 

*_ Sora rams one of his blades through the fangirl's chest. She dies. Suddenly, another fangirl springs out of nowhere and glomps the hapless PK_* 

**Fangirl 13: **Hi Sora! It's so good to see you! I'm your biggest fan so I'll be hanging around you for ever and ever!

**Sora: **If you say so *_rams his blade through her head from underneath her chin_*

**Mimiru:** My God....are all these fangirls like this?

**Sora: **Yes.....

* * *

*_Elsewhere, at Mac Anu, Subaru is standing on her personalised barge, addressing Ginkan and the Crimson Knights_*

**Ginkan: **My lady Subaru, everything in The World has been turned upside down ever since....

**Fanboy 328:** *_leaping onto the barge with a blade raised high_* DIE SUBARU!!!!!!

**Crimson Knight 56:** *_grabs the fanboy and throws him into the canal._* 

**Ginkan: ***_continues unperturbed_*...the invasion. I fear we may be in a......

**Fangirl 78: ***_leaping onto the barge with a blade raised high_* DIE SUBARU!!!!!

**Crimson Knight 12:** *_draws his sword and decapitates the fangirl_*

**Ginkan:** *_continues unperturbed_* ....position where we may have to take drastic action.

**Fangirl 945:** *_leaping off a bridge_* Prepare to Die Su.....hey wait a minute, shouldn't I..... *_lands in the river - several feet in FRONT of the barge, which drifts on past unchallenged_.* 

**Subaru: **No, there is no need

**Fanboy 498:** *_leaping onto the barge with a blade raised high. He lands behind Ginkan_* DIE SUBARU!!!!!!

**Ginkan:** *_elbows the Fanboy in the face_* But my lady! We are concerned for your safety!

**Fangirl 615: ***_jumping onto the general direction of the barge_* DIE SUBARU!!!!

**Subaru:** *_calmly raises her axe. The Fangirl goes flying straight into the head and is knocked out._* Silver Knight, that is my command.

*_The barge drifts under another bridge. On top of it, a bunch of fan girls are preparing to throw a bomb. They light it up and throw it just as the boat drifts under_. *

**Ginkan: ***_bowing deeply_* It shall be......*_lifts up his hands, catches the bomb and throws it over his shoulder - where it explodes harmlessly in the air_*...done, my lady. 

*_Up ahead, the barge is in the direct path of yet another bridge. On this one, a bunch of fanboys are loading up a whole lot of dynamite. They are wiring them all together and clutching a detonator, as the barge approaches......_*

**Subaru: ***_suddenly notices something_* Huh? What's that?

**Ginkan:** Is something the matter my lady?

**Subaru:** You will have to excuse me Silver Knight. I have to investigate something.....*_Gates out off the barge_*

**Ginkan: **Huh? Wait!

**Fanboys: ***_blinking - mere seconds after they activated the detonator_* WHAT?!?!

*_Suddenly the bridge explodes - several tons of rock and mortar come crashing down on the bow of the barge_*

**Fanboys:** *_go down with the now ruined bridge and onto the barge - where they find themselves suddenly staring down the swords of Ginkan and the Silver Knights_*

*_Subaru gates into a street in Mac Anu and starts wandering around. Suddenly she pauses and immediately ducks. Seconds later, a dagger comes whistling through the air and strikes the wall behind her. Subaru sighs before continuing on her way  
Some time later - she stops short of a someone who bares a striking resemblance to Tsukusa. But it isn't the real Tsukusa - It is a cos-player. But Subaru doesn't know that......yet_*

**Subaru:** Hello there. 

**Cosplayer: **Leave me alone!

**Subaru: **Huh?

**Cosplayer:** I don't want anything with anyone or anything!!!!

**Subaru:** *_Suddenly gets the idea that she's dealing with a cos-player_* Hold on, you're not Tsukusa....

**Cosplayer: **Yes I am! I can't log out of The World!!! 

**Subaru: **Well, won't you at least allow me to do whatever in my power to help y....

**Cosplayer: **NO!! I don't want your help!!!!!

**Subaru: **Sheesh, talk about role-playing....*_suddenly looks upon and gets the shock of her life: she is surrounded by an angry mob of Fangirls_* .....Ut-oh....

**Fangirls: **NO! You two can't get together!!!

**Subaru:** Why not?

**A minority of the Fangirls:** Because, in the real world, you two are both.....

**The majority of the Fangirls: **Because Tsukusa is going with ME!!!

**Cosplayer:** EH?!?! 

**The majority of the Fangirls: ***_swamp the hapless cosplayer - despite the fact that the actual gender of the cosplayer has never been actually made clear by this fanfic author_*

**The minority of the Fangirls:** Hang on, this isn't what we really meant at all.....

* * *

*_Elsewhere....somewhere in the Wastelands..._*

**Crim: **You know, considering you're the star of .hack//SIGN, I'm surprised you've managed to last this long

**Tsukusa:** What do you mean?

**Crim: **Well, knowing these fangirls, I figured they would've been all over you already. 

**Tsukusa: **Yeah........I guess I've just been lucky

**Crim: **Lucky? You call your continued survival more to do with luck?

**Tsukusa: **Well, I guess I do *_shrugs_* I've managed to elude and outsmart them and everything they've tried.

**Crim:** Somehow, I wouldn't call it luck *_looks upward to where Tsukusa's Guardian is floating above their heads_* So, exactly how long are you going to keep him there?

**Tsukusa: **As long as it takes

**Crim: **And when will that be?

**Tsukusa: **When those fangirls leave me alone I guess

**Crim:** You do realise that the System Admin will probably lynch you for this

**Tsukusa: **Ha! They can't touch me. They tired once before and they failed.

**Crim:** Now that kind of attitude doesn't work in The World!

**Tsukusa: **Huh?

**Crim: **You can't keep going on like this! This will be traced to you eventually! 

**Tsukusa: **But all I want is to stop being bothered by these tiresome fan-girls!

**Crim: **And you think this will make them stop?

*_Crim looks down at his feet. Both himself and Tsukusa are standing upon a mountain of dead fangirls - who'd each met their end at the hands of Tsukusa's guardian_*

**Tsukusa:** Hopefully, it will.....

**THE END**


End file.
